Well, if you follow my journey, what you might have noticed is that I happened upon a shift. An existential happenstance to be more concise. A fact finding mission that is ever evolving every single day and sometimes I was very low. I could not understand after debating mine own thought how I could go on. But then I would have these peeps of understanding and forgiveness of my own attitudes and values and pondered the thought that what if? I know it doesn’t sound very illumination does it. You’re thinking that this girl/woman is random and can’t get her own thoughts into perspective. Well, you’re right.
It all started on my Birthday Weekend Celebration. So I decided that I am allowed to have this because I’m a year before 50 and that by the way is petrifying me to no end. I just cannot believe that next year I am going to be 50. FUCK! I attended a party of my GF’s you see we both were celebrating birthday weekend celebrations but either unlucky or lucky for me, at the party was an old friend who I had not seen in 15 years. Now to those who listen to my podcast you will know the anguish of which I dealt over the next few days after having what we call a D&M (deep and meaningful) conversation. My Friend who we can call “Dave” who I cannot name decided to tell me that he had been arrested for doing ICE. Now to put this in context, myself and my other half and Dave were harmlessly talking politics as we do as isn’t that what you do at the beginning of parties and/or get togethers? Anyways, one discussion led to another discussion and then we got onto legalising Marijuana and/or medicinal marijuana and I was discussing the article I read online re the girl guides and how they were reprimanded for having a stall parked outside of a marijuana business somewhere in the USA. Apparently as it goes, they decided that the girl guides were entrepreneurial and let them have another stall again because they were being so successful with the money they had raised selling cookies. Who knew huh? Anyway a discussion ensued after that and then my other half, who told me later, sensed Dave had more that he would like to discuss so he left for a while so our discussion could be a bit more intimate.
I noticed when I initially asked Dave about his work that he was reticent of giving some detail so I went back there, without the other half being there, and then tells me that he’s unemployed and his other half left him and took the house and left him with nothing. Now back 15 years ago, of which is a lifetime ago Dave was larger than life. Had a great job, a beautiful home and was on the upward track of success. Now, Dave has just come out of Jail after serving time for Ice related details. I was shocked. Literally, my mouth was open you know in that big ‘O” shape. I had to push it shut physically as my mouth couldn’t close by itself. I was baffled as to how, why, why. Needless to say, my naive self, my idealistic self took a fucking huge sucker punch that day. I was selfish. I did not allow myself to compartmentalise that discussion for later and continue to enjoy the Weekend Birthday Celebrations. I let the weight of it consume me for the next few days.
It was only after watching a YouTube video of none other than Gary Vaynerchuck where he did his keynote in Brisbane in 2017. It was a fucking long Vlog, over an hour but as I listened hoping that I could gleam something real that I could relate to there it was. A chap stands up in the Q&A and he talks to Gary and asks him how can I…? I was listening intently of this chaps question, his circumstance of being in an accident and killing someone and paying the price for not only taking a life, but serving time in prison for just the most stupidest of mistakes. Taking drugs, drinking and then ultimately killing someone. FUCK! Gary was intently listening and the chap was indeed expressing remorse. How do you get back up again? Well to you who are reading this you can look up that episode but I relate it to Dave who himself made the most stupidest of mistakes. But, he has a chance now to redeem himself. He will never be able to be employed in a variety of institutions and corporations but that’s not my point. My point is that Dave can be a huge influencer on the rights and wrongs and the mistake process and the live again process. Its funny, but it took me days to work this out. When shit that is close to me, like that touches me I don’t compartmentalise it, it consumes me. (one of my deep flaws). Always trying to help.
That brings me to my other train of thought over the past few days. I came across Gabriel Cardoza on Twitter. She has a blog of which I read an article about influencers. It got me to thinking. Back in 2010 when I decided to join twitter I was not heavily into the Australian Political scene but I was interested in what goes on around the world. So I used my tenacious research skills and grew my feed with individuals and businesses who where interested in what I was interested in. From media, technology, people, business, economy, arts and so on. Now I have a feed full of people who may not necessarily believe in what I believe in but they understand me because I have been me since the inception. Now I have grown over twitter. To the ultra altruistic religious naive girl of once upon a time to the almost 50 year old wiser thinker (not always sayer) with an ecommerce site who likes to speak kindly of others trying to achieve for their own reasons. I’m an online networker. I may not like you, but at the end of the day do you need me to like you? Probably, maybe? I may not think you have any morals but you do not need me to understand why you don’t have any morals. I may not necessarily want to have anything to do with you but does that matter in the whole scheme of things? Probably that last one because if you cannot be real, if you cannot be true to yourself then there’s’ nothing I can do for you. Btw, I mentioned morals because there’s fine line. There’s also a difference between morals and ethics just to be clear.
I mentioned I have this habit and I’ve had it since I can remember, I was probably in the single digits. I want to help people because I was ignoring the negative faults in myself. Albeit whether I want to be an actress, a singer, an artist or a successful businesswoman, I want to help others. I have a very, very fucked up family and that includes myself but I am not in denial about that. I have no relationship with my sister, my brother is homeless and paranoid schizophrenic and my mom is daily demanding and my dad rest his soul is now departed. Thank the lord for having a blended family, which gives me 8 beautiful children. It fills my soul of emptiness that I sometimes feel. Thanks to my close-knit circle of beautiful friends of whom I may not reach out to all the time but when I do, they are there for a good hour of conversation of catch up.
You know having had a business fail one thing is for sure. Friends understand you need time to grieve the failure and closure of a business. But as you rise from the pit of despair and your friends see you coming out of the darkness back into the light, they reach out. They are truly a great bunch of people. Now, if only I could start saying that about myself. Then the world will be my oyster.